Buckle up because this week was ROUGH. Like watching your favorite shitcoin rug pull but in slow motion across 5 days.
The Carnage 🔥
Dow Jones: Down 2.9% (lost 542 points Friday alone) - boomers in shambles
S&P 500: -2.3% for the week, -1.6% just on Friday - oof
Nasdaq: -2.2% weekly, got absolutely destroyed Friday
TL;DR: Everything is red and we're all crying
Why Did We Get Cucked? 🤔
Two words: JOBS & TARIFFS
1. Jobs Report Was Trash 🗑️
July only added 73k jobs vs 100k expected. That's like showing up to a lambo dealership with monopoly money - disappointing AF. Plus, they revised May/June numbers DOWN because apparently the government can't count.
Result? Everyone's now betting the Fed will cut rates in September like they're some kind of crypto project promising "utility" 📉
2. Trump Went Full Tariff Mode 🚨
Orange man signed tariffs on 66 countries (10-41% rates) starting August 7th. Canada, EU, Taiwan - basically everyone except maybe his golf buddies got hit.
Markets said "nah fam" and yeeted everything into the sun.
Sector Vibes ✨
Tech Bros Got Humbled:
Amazon: -8% (AWS growth weaker than my WiFi connection)
Coinbase: -15-17% (crypto exchange having crypto problems, who would've thought?)
Apple/Nvidia/Tesla/Meta: All down bad
The Few, The Proud, The Green:
Monolithic Power Systems: +10% (someone's doing something right)
First Solar: +5.3% (solar szn apparently)
Utilities: +1.6% (boring wins again)
Fear Index Goes BRRRR 📊
VIX shot up 37% for the week. For you smooth brains, that means everyone's shitting their pants about what comes next.
The dollar got weaker, bonds got stronger, and everyone rotated into "safe" assets like they're prepping for the apocalypse.
The Copium Section 💊
Before you start stress-eating ramen:
We're still up YTD: Dow +3.4%, S&P +6.9%, Nasdaq +7.3%
This could just be a "healthy correction."
Some chads are buying the dip
What to Watch 👀
Fed speakers this week (will they pivot or nah?)
Q3 earnings (can companies still print money with these tariffs?)
More trade war drama (because 2024 wasn't spicy enough)
Bottom Line 🎯
This week reminded us that stonks don't only go up. Jobs data was ass, tariffs are back, and tech got humbled harder than Do Kwon's reputation.
But hey, at least we're not holding Luna Classic, right?
Stay based, stay hydrated, and maybe don't check your portfolio for a few days.
Not financial advice. We're just here for the chaos and the memes.